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#402 May 08 2018 at 4:25 PM Rating: Decent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I literally just wrote like a ******* book worth of text on here before the page froze from ads and everything was lost. I guess I should have learned better by now.


Type faster. Smiley: tongue
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#403 May 09 2018 at 8:32 AM Rating: Good
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Or write in Notepad and just copy pasta it.
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#404 May 09 2018 at 9:13 AM Rating: Good
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I had fallen into trusting the site again after it came back into a cycle of actually letting me log in on Google Chrome (I'm using Microsoft's new renamed Internet Explorer now, as I can no longer log in again otherwise).

What I had been doing for the past several months is writing my post on another forum, then copy-pasting it here.

It's just not the same though... There is something about this blue ffxi.allakhazam interface that helps me stay focused, or something. I have been writing here since around this time in 2004 so that might have something to do with it. I don't care if anyone reads or responds to anything in this thread. I come here just to write, and I had been typing for a good 6 hours yesterday before it froze and swept it all away, which, is not a total loss. I was still able to write it out, but I wasn't finished. I don't even know how close I was. I also like to be able to go back and read again after. I was probably just repeating a lot of things I've said before anyway. It's just the same **** on a different day.

Lately my stepdaughter has been really big into something called Hamilton. She listens to it, loudly, on repeat. I feel like I identify a lot with Alexander. --and I wonder, if I had been born in a different age, could I not have been some hapless nerd glued to a screen, and perhaps have been someone who could have done something with his life. Maybe I could have been more than a desposable warm body for whatever cheap corporate labor scheme looking to take advantage of desperate people with. As it stands now, I'm fairly sure that I can't even be that anymore.

Edited, May 9th 2018 3:16pm by Kuwoobie
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#405 May 09 2018 at 10:03 AM Rating: Excellent
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Well, Hamilton devised our national banking and monetary system. How are you with numbers?
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#406 May 12 2018 at 6:54 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Well, Hamilton devised our national banking and monetary system. How are you with numbers?


I am adequate with numbers. But then, so are most people. There is nothing in that field that hasn't been done to death already by today. The things I know and am capable of might be useful to people if I could somehow travel back in time a hundred years or so.

It's kind of funny to think about-- it's like when people say "If Jesus were born today, people would just think him a lunatic." The same is true for most things. An absolute genius and prodigy by human standards could be born into the world today, and without the right circumstances, find themselves trapped inside a very average life. For an average person, it is just much of the same, just with slightly worse odds overall.

A better question for today might be: "How shameless are you?" or "How quick are you to dismiss empathy in the name of personal gain?"

I think about Hamilton and the circumstances of those times-- about people who shaped history and the fate of the world with their words and actions. Then we have today, where the now president of the United States is a living joke, as is everyone around him. It is a reflection of the world as a whole. We are the People of Walmart. Cretins. Slobs. Imbeciles. It doesn't matter if we're good with numbers, or have any particular skills or talents anymore in a world where everyone is equally worthless-- mass produced in our education and raised to be placed into whatever menial task we can be haplessly thrown into so that we may generate taxes used ultimately to serve the small handful of people who actually matter-- people who are no more intelligent or talented than anyone else, yet are treated like they're gods among men.

All anyone is anymore is a turd looking for their place in a world of shit.

Edited, May 12th 2018 12:54pm by Kuwoobie
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#407 May 12 2018 at 11:15 PM Rating: Good
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Lately I have been thinking about this thing I think Timelord says all the time:

Quote:
Be less creepy


I don't know how to really describe my reaction to this. To me it sounds like telling a tree to stop being made of wood. I cannot be "less creepy." There is no word or action I can do differently that could ever change the way other people think.

If anything, I could make things a whole lot worse. I feel I can pass for being tolerable simply by staying quiet and keeping to myself. Ultimately, I can be not creepy by staying completely out of sight and out of mind, or, you know, dead.

To me there is nothing more annoying than a guy who speaks and draws attention to himself as he doesn't realize how annoying/creepy/stupid he sounds. It's these kinds of people who go around making the rest of us look bad.

As time goes on, I realize more and more than just me-- it is my ENTIRE DEMOGRAPHIC. The world is filled with people who are just like me. I rarely see them anywhere because, like me, they keep to themselves and rarely leave their homes.

Naturally I should feel some sort of kinship with this sort of person, right? No. Whenever I meet someone with characteristics like my own, I am filled with disgust. I am reminded about all of the things I hate about myself, which are also things I hate about them. It is so much worse when they're the type who are blissfully unaware what absolute **** they are.

I think, for the most part, I am extremely uncomfortable around men-- no matter what their background and personality traits are. You might even say that I hate men. I cannot think of a single example of one I would not feel immediately repelled by. I'm certain this isn't normal, but it is also based entirely on my experiences in life.

Instead, my friends tend to be my stepdaughter's friends. --forever cementing my creepiness into the red zone. I think a lot about why this is. It's not because we like all the same kinds of things-- there are plenty of other kinds of people who do. --and despite what everyone assumes, it's not because I'm some perv. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. They know me because I'm the stepfather of their friend. And, despite all expectations, they treat me with genuine kindness and enthusiasm-- in stark contrast to the bitter indifference I experience with most people.

I feel like maybe this coming generation of people are different somehow. It is not just because they're young. I can say with near certainty that no one my age or older was anything like they are when they were kids. They are smeared all over social media so much so that you might start to think the word "millennial" and "generation z" were equivalent to the "n word." Perhaps there is so much resentment for them because they can see just how different they are, and it is frightening to them. So let's just call them all Tide pod eaters and ***** about their cellphone usage and call it a day. God forbid they aren't brainwashed by TV commercials and hard drugs like previous generations.

I think a lot about my old friend, Red (for reference, see thread "Inappropriate"). Today I felt overwhelmed with grief at the thought of her. It has been nearly two years since I spoke to her last, yet every day feels like it's all just a bad dream, and I'll wake up to the sound of her calling again on Skype like the old days... I wish I could tell her how I miss her. I mailed her a card on her birthday in October and I don't even know if she received it.

I know I say this a lot, but I had never felt so close to anyone before. I had never been so happy in all my life than I was during my time with her. But that makes me a bad person, so. Everything that makes me happy and makes my life feel worthwhile is taboo.

So just move on. Forget about everything you care about. Completely change the person you are and assimilate into everything you hate-- says everything I read, everywhere. That doesn't sound like happiness and peace of mind to me.
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#408 May 15 2018 at 3:54 PM Rating: Good
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Just be less creepy.

Edited, May 15th 2018 7:57pm by Timelordwho
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#409 May 16 2018 at 9:02 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
That doesn't sound like happiness and peace of mind to me.
If you knew what did sound like happiness and peace of mind you wouldn't be having this problem.
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#410 May 16 2018 at 12:06 PM Rating: Good
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So, was Red the woman who had similar interests as you that just misunderstood your non-obsessive gestures of friendship or the little girl who played Minecraft that you developed a totally appropriate and just misunderstood relationship with?
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#411 May 16 2018 at 5:09 PM Rating: Decent
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#412 May 17 2018 at 11:22 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
That doesn't sound like happiness and peace of mind to me.
If you knew what did sound like happiness and peace of mind you wouldn't be having this problem.


It sounds like
https://youtu.be/WWIjvPuY2jo

edit: I guess I can't embed videos anymore either. Huh.




Edited, May 18th 2018 5:24am by Kuwoobie
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#413 May 18 2018 at 12:31 AM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
So, was Red the woman who had similar interests as you that just misunderstood your non-obsessive gestures of friendship or the little girl who played Minecraft that you developed a totally appropriate and just misunderstood relationship with?


Red was someone from Minecraft, yes. She called me on Skype one day needing technical support over an issue on the server, announced herself "friend of the server owner" and continued to call every day after for no reason in particular. She seemed extremely troubled-- ignored by her family, with extreme anger and hostility towards most people. I had actually almost banned her from my server before due to her belligerent behavior towards other players. There was something about her rudeness, when directed at me, that I found endearing. We used to talk all day every day for nearly two years. We played Terraria and WoW and League of Legends together all the time-- mostly WoW, even though she didn't like it much. She was determined to become as good as I was, and she did, despite everything. I was so proud of her. I still am. I think that is what she wanted from me now that I think about it.

I have not talked to her for nearly two years since then.

Something happened while we were playing League of Legends. I ended up playing with a bunch of guys I met on there. We played as a team and talked on Skype, so of course, I invited Red to join us. They befriended her, then later they learned her age, and immediately attacked both of us over Skype with all sorts of moronic knee-jerk assumptions. This was the beginning of the end, I think. It didn't help that we were fighting a lot at the time, as well. She had taken up this habit of becoming extremely upset over trivial things like when I accidentally misspelled her name while typing quickly. --or if it was ever perceived that I was taking someone else's side over hers in what was nearly an almost constant conflict with someone, if not me. She would apologize for her behavior the day after, then immediately fall into another fit of anger.

Some point after the incident with League of Legends, she decided that she wasn't going to talk to me anymore. She wrote this to me over Skype in text:

Quote:
How , do I explain this .

At first when I said I wanted a goodbye. You didn't exactly take it . You wanted me to stay. Which I know for a fact I cannot do. So my plan was to befriend you. And have some fun times with you and leave unexpectedly and never speak to you again,

I'm only leaving one part out of that .

I'm telling you. About it

When I first talked to you I never knew I would have the strength to turn you into one of best friends and keep it . For a long long time . I didn't know or see I was that strong yet . Thanks for showing me.

I was alone for quite some time before I met you. It was a rough and bumpy road . And it was hard but I lived it. And I love being alone . Makes me feel at home nowadays. Because there is nobody to backstab . To forget to leave behind . It's just you. But thank you for being my friend .
For a long time

For putting up with my *********

And for the nights where I just wanted to cry .

You were always there . Thank you for that .

I never had a person I will always love in my heart .

But :

Now I do.

~

Love Redlyn


This was in July or August of that year. She had gone away for about two weeks, then came back for a while, then went away again, then came back, then didn't talk to me for a long time. One day, I felt inspired to draw out her portrait. It wasn't great, but considering that I never, ever draw, it wasn't bad. I had my stepdaughter, who still had contact with her over Skype at the time, send it to her. Just as I had hoped, this caused Red to immediately unblock me on Skype so she could yell at me about the drawing. She said it was ugly and horrible and that I had given her a "Squidward nose." Then she talked to me for a while as if nothing had changed, as if we were friends again. Later she admitted that she actually loved the drawing. Then she was gone again for a while. Finally, on October 18th of that year (2016) we talked for the last time.

Last I heard she was really big into Overwatch, and still talked to my stepdaughter for a while after that-- but eventually blocked her after she tried to include me in a conversation with them (I even told her not to, and apologized to Red for the intrusion.) She was just trying to help me make amends after seeing how depressed I had become, but only drove Red further away instead.

Part of me thinks she'll come back again someday. It could tomorrow, or it could be many years from now. Or never. I told her once though-- that all things are temporary, even our time apart-- that even if I never talked to her again, I would find her in the next life. "More of your stupid hippy ****" she would say.

Anyway, that's who Red is when I'm referring to someone named Red. She is someone who has had a tremendous impact on my life.
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#414 May 18 2018 at 1:24 AM Rating: Good
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It's 2:30am and I can't sleep, so I'm going to write even more.

Shortly after the events with Red, and partially overlapping, Pokemon Go became a thing. I have always been extremely passionate about Pokemon, so naturally this was a big deal for me. I felt like it was creating a wide open door for me where one had just closed-- it was a vehicle for me to go out into the real world and make friends OUTSIDE of the internet who were perhaps even close to my age!

I wasted absolutely no time creating a community on Facebook for local members of Team Valor to come together. I organized many gatherings at local pokemon hot spots and gyms. I inspired greatness with my words of passion and enthusiasm, and our team spirit, and people gathered from miles around. By the end of the second month after the game's release, my community consisted of more than 500 members.

It was then that I met the other person you seem to have been referring to-- the "woman of similar interests" who I had become extremely infatuated with. Of course, that ended with extreme humiliation on my part-- so much so that I can say without a doubt that I had never felt more like killing myself. I had never felt more worthless and just... negative... than I had at that point in particular. That person had basically pointed out that I was, in fact, worthless, then rubbed my face in it to make sure I knew.

If this never happened, I would never have decided to go back to school.

For some reason that was my solution to being worthless-- I would go to school for a couple of years and come out on the other side with a high paying career. My wife had achieved huge success doing this, so why shouldn't I?

I got perfect grades in all my gen ed classes, and landed a position in the school's RT program-- where I learned all about radiologic technology, patient care and everything I needed to know to work as an RT tech. Everything was going great, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt confident.

Then it came time for to start clinicals-- meaning I was to go and work at a real hospital as a sort of student intern, and everything fell apart...

I immediately realized what a huge mistake it all was... I just didn't fit in. I quickly realized that I felt unwelcome not because of my mental illness that makes me always feel unwelcome, but because I was ACTUALLY NOT WANTED THERE. It was like an avalanche of reality coming down on me all at once. I CANNOT BE SUCCESSFUL. I cannot BE anything. I am NOT a real person and I DO NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THIS WORLD.

So I had wasted another year and a half of my time going to school and jumping through hoops for nothing.

Strangely, though, I did not feel terribly down about that. I don't really feel like it was all a waste of time somehow, and more importantly, I don't feel as bad as I did before I started there. Granted, I still feel extremely depressed all the time-- just not as much as I thought I would be. It's more like the standard extremely depressed I am the most used to, with occasional bouts of feeling like my brain is sinking and my entire body is made out of heavy bags of sand. Every night is a new nightmare that leaves me feeling physically sick with anxiety over what I feel like I SHOULD be doing-- and what would that be, exactly? I refuse to go back to Walmart, even though I hear they're starting people at $11 an hour now, with some people saying $15. I don't think I can do that to myself anymore. I don't think I would survive.

I wonder at what point depression and anxiety is considered at disability... Or if either of those things even matter.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#415 May 18 2018 at 11:08 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I wonder at what point depression and anxiety is considered at disability... Or if either of those things even matter.

Sort of academic since you would need a clinical diagnosis and you refuse to seek treatment.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#416 May 20 2018 at 11:33 PM Rating: Good
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Today I went with my mother and two of my siblings to see my grandfather before he dies. I have not seen him for about two years. His kidneys are going out, and he has only a few weeks to a few months left to live. It was strange. It is not like in movies where people go to a hospital to see their dying loved ones on their death bed. He still had some strength in him-- enough to mow his own lawn that morning, and enough to take us all out to dinner. Although, he was a mere husk of his former self. He has lost so much weight, and when he rests his eyes, he could pass for someone who has already died.

He is not the only thing that looks withered and dying... What was once a thriving mecca of capitalist glory in the 80s and 90s is now a ghost town filled with abandoned strip malls, shabby and unkempt buildings with yards and medians choked by overgrown grass and weeds. It has been raining non-stop all week long. If it weren't for all the traffic it would have looked like a scene from The Walking Dead.

It is funny how much I can remember-- visiting the town I grew up in to see someone I have known my entire life but in recent decades have hardly ever seen. I remember being 6 years old, as old as my son is now-- inventing a secret handshake with my grandfather after seeing it on a cartoon, and asking him if he ever killed any bad guys in the war then feeling bad about it later. He used to get up and make us all breakfast whenever we went over there. His house always smelled like bacon and eggs. There is something about an old person's house that so much nicer than anyplace else. Everything is so clean and orderly and grand somehow-- as if it is a home made with people instead of cutting costs. Every corner was filled with gaudy relics from the 50s and 60s while The Price is Right seemed to always be playing quietly on the ancient cathode TV that was also some kind of big wooden table. We would play on his pinball and slot machines and his Pac-Man and Frogger arcade cabinets. He would count his jars of quarters after ever time we visited to make sure we didn't lose or steal any. There was a pool table covered in Christmas decorations and ceramic figurines that my grandmother crafted and painted herself-- my grandmother who was taken by cancer when I was eight. Stacks of VHS tapes lined the walls on heavy wooden shelves-- all recordings of movies like Rambo and Robo Cop and Back to the Future and the Karate Kid. He used to mail all five of my brothers and my sister birthday cards with a check for $100 whenever there was a birthday and on Christmas. When I graduated high school, he sent me $300. I was the only one of my siblings to graduate high school...

We used to see him all the time when we were kids. Then we all grew up and went our separate ways. We all grew up and had our own kids and stopped making time for each other, and stopped making time for him.

Aside from the fact that he is dying, he is not much different today from how I have ever known him. He has outlived three wives, and now lives with his girlfriend who takes care of him. It is not like the movies where you go and visit your loved one on their deathbed and they conveniently die before you. We spent the day with him, and when it came time for us to say goodbye, I could see his face twisting with anguish, and he cried. He was looking right at me, and I knew exactly what he was thinking-- that this was our final moment together. We would never see each other again after today-- and we would just so casually leave as if it were any other day. "I'll see you" I said to him, twice, realizing after how stupid that sounded knowing full well I would not.

Jophiel wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
I wonder at what point depression and anxiety is considered at disability... Or if either of those things even matter.

Sort of academic since you would need a clinical diagnosis and you refuse to seek treatment.


Assuming I could ever afford any worthwhile treatment, I honestly don't think there is anything it can do without some sort of time traveling device.

I was involuntarily committed to a mental health facility when I was 16 for attempting to kill myself. I was forced to stay there for three days with a bunch of drug addicts where we all sat in a room and watched G rated movies. When I got out, I was given "treatment" in the form of medication (Wellbutrin and Paxil) for depression and anxiety and saw a therapist for an hour a week until it was decided that the medication did nothing and the time I spent with the therapist was a complete waste of everyone's time.

I have personally never heard of anyone who was actually helped by these things.
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#417 May 21 2018 at 10:09 AM Rating: Excellent
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I know several people who have been helped but whatever. Point remains that wondering about disability is academic since it requires a clinical diagnosis and you refuse to seek treatment.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#418 May 21 2018 at 10:38 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
Assuming I could ever afford any worthwhile treatment, I honestly don't think there is anything it can do without some sort of time traveling device.
An hour talking with a professional can help and once you're done you're an hour in the future.
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#419 May 21 2018 at 3:38 PM Rating: Good
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So I finally remembered which email I used. You'd think it would have been easy to remember since I literally named it after this account and made it especially FOR this account. But apparently I am dumb.

But seriously. What the hell happened? I know this site was going down hill after that whole debacle with Kao, but I didn't expect it to be this dead. Is there like, a summary post somewhere that I could read to catch myself up? If not, there should be. Like, "ITT: How Zam became a ghost site, the cliffnotes version" or something

Edited, May 21st 2018 4:41pm by Jinte
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Reiterpallasch wrote:
Glitterhands wrote:
Am I the only one who clicked on this thread expecting actual baby photos [of Jinte]? o.O

Except if it were baby photos, it would be like looking at before and afters of Michael Jackson. Only instead of turning into a white guy, he changes into a chick!
#420 May 21 2018 at 4:15 PM Rating: Excellent
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No singular event although Zam writing off these forums as legacy content probably helped contribute a bit. You can't even access them from the Zam home page any longer.

The bread and butter of Allakhazam, MMORPG guides, is a dead business with most games holding your hand through the quest process and game publishers hosting their own forums and guide sites. ZAM has tried to transition into a more all purpose gaming site but I don't think they've been particularly successful at it judging from the lack of comments or recommendations in the articles. So no one has much reason to come here and no one new can find the place.
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#421 May 21 2018 at 4:30 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
No singular event although Zam writing off these forums as legacy content probably helped contribute a bit. You can't even access them from the Zam home page any longer.

The bread and butter of Allakhazam, MMORPG guides, is a dead business with most games holding your hand through the quest process and game publishers hosting their own forums and guide sites. ZAM has tried to transition into a more all purpose gaming site but I don't think they've been particularly successful at it judging from the lack of comments or recommendations in the articles. So no one has much reason to come here and no one new can find the place.


Ahh, thanks. Sad as it is, I suppose that does stand to reason. I hadn't even noticed the whole 'legacy' thing until a few minutes after I made that post, but now that I see it, it makes me sad. I didn't really expect it was one specific thing, though. I was more asking if there was a general/cliffnotes timeline of the decline somewhere. If there isn't, there really should be. I say that partially because it'd be nice for returning folks to be able to quickly read over, rather than having to either ask blindly or be left to wonder. Admittedly though, it's also partially because, honestly, I just think it'd make for a fascinating case-study of sorts, if slightly morbid for those of us who have/had any sort of emotional attachment to any part of the site.

That said, I am glad to see that, if nothing else, the OoT and the Asylum still have something resembling a heart beat, even if only just. The day this site finally kicks the bucket for good and I can't come back to read over old posts and enjoy the quasi-tangible memories recorded here is going to feel like losing a family member.
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Reiterpallasch wrote:
Glitterhands wrote:
Am I the only one who clicked on this thread expecting actual baby photos [of Jinte]? o.O

Except if it were baby photos, it would be like looking at before and afters of Michael Jackson. Only instead of turning into a white guy, he changes into a chick!
#422 May 22 2018 at 8:22 AM Rating: Good
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Jinte wrote:
The day this site finally kicks the bucket for good and I can't come back to read over old posts and enjoy the quasi-tangible memories recorded here is going to feel like losing a family member.
Worse. A family member that doesn't leave anything in their will to you. Smiley: madSmiley: mad
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#423 May 27 2018 at 12:44 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Jinte wrote:
The day this site finally kicks the bucket for good and I can't come back to read over old posts and enjoy the quasi-tangible memories recorded here is going to feel like losing a family member.
Worse. A family member that doesn't leave anything in their will to you. Smiley: madSmiley: mad
I'll leave you my eyes, lolgaxe!!


Smiley: flowers
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#424 May 31 2018 at 11:05 PM Rating: Good
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Ignore this.

I feel like I'm supposed to have a job. I'm supposed to be doing something. I won't though. That will never happen again.

I think about what someone said Asylum recently-- it was something to the effect of what is frequently said by people in response to certain tragedies involving the police. I read the Flipboard news app on my phone almost obsessively. It's like poison to me, but I keep going back to keep up with current events. Apparently a woman was brutally beaten by two police officers on the beach in New Jersey recently. There is a new story on there about it every couple of minutes it seems like...

And every time the story gets posted, there is always someone commenting right on top about how "Oh, if she has just complied then she wouldn't have had to be brutally beaten by two police officers! Raise your kids to respect authority!" etc. Then there's the photos of all the people just standing there and letting it happen.

It's like this every time. It's like "Oh, the police officer wouldn't have HAD to empty his entire ******* clip into the back of that deaf kid's skull at point blank range if he had just obeyed the officer's instructions." You know that's what they would say. I have a serious problem with this. Not just with the police officers who do this. No. They are actually fairly few and far between. My real problem is with the LEGIONS of people who are perfectly ok with it every time it happens-- who NEVER FAIL to make sure we all know they're out there.

I have strong feelings of loathing for certain mindsets, which like most things I say, is a massive understatement. For instance-- there is a popular Protestant belief particularly prevalent in the United States where virtue is defined by "staying humble and working hard" which works in conjunction with the abstinence of sexual thoughts and activities. This was basically the invention of old time robber barons who wanted armies of loyal slaves to perform all their labor while they reaped the rewards. Just tell them God said to do it. Despite everything, it's still here. It's still running strong.

Keep your head down. Do as your told. Be GRATEFUL. Grateful for what? That they allow you to exist? That you get paid enough sustain yourself so that you may continue to serve them another day? Stay humble. You are the delta male, after all.

I think about looking for work all the time. I think about how I could be getting paid at least a couple of hundred dollars a month like I used to. It just isn't worth it, though. It's not worth such a small amount of money to go and stand for eight to twelve hours a day-- so I can be out in the open to be used to service of all those wretched beasts.

My favorite part is the job search-- the part where I get to beg for the approval of people I hate. This is what stops me more than anything. This is another huge understatement, really. I would sooner gouge out their eyes with the nearest pointy object than ask if I can work for them. I'm not joking or exaggerating with this.

I can apply for a thousand jobs. I'll fill out lengthy applications, complete with psychological assessments where I am forced to lie repeatedly knowing full well that they would not hire the real me if their lives depended on it. I get to pretend to be this fake person who follows the aforementioned Puritan ideology-- right up the point where if an when they do eventually call me into an interview with one of them-- it is indeed one of them-- a person who has built his entire life around the exploitation of cheap labor-- this man who goes into the comments section on Flipboard and Facebook with his clueless opinions.

I want to cut. Stab. Rip. Tear. I want him to die. You see, this is why they hold so much value in authority. It is keeping them safe and alive from people like me. So let the police indulge in wanton acts of corruption, greed, cowardice. They'll be there to serve and protect the people who matter every time.

I'll keep a safe distance, though. I'll be this lazy and stupid person who just won't work because I don't want to lift a finger. It's perfectly fine if people think that. Actually, it isn't. It's really annoying. It's annoying because there are no alternatives to the above scenario. As with all things, there is no choice. There is no freedom. You work for whoever ******* calls you, and that just happens to be someone who needs a cart pusher. It doesn't matter if you're Joe Toadlicker or Albert Einstein. Your job is to collect shopping carts in the parking lot and push them back into the store. You start at $7.25 an hour and you get a 25 cent raise every year, and, if you're lucky, the boss will let you suck his **** for some extra hours.
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Galkaman wrote:
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#425 Jun 13 2018 at 1:38 AM Rating: Good
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It's 2:30am, and I keep thinking about all the things that have been said by some people. I can't remember who specifically. I can remember their avatar. They said to pursue volunteer work.

I think about that a lot. Well. I think about that sometimes. Going somewhere and doing work and not getting paid, but at least doing something. Maybe because there is no pay, their standards are a bit lower? I feel like that probably isn't the case. I imagine building houses or helping to plant a garden for some reason-- that is what my mind associates with volunteer work. Perhaps it is picking up litter off the side of a busy highway. I'm not really sure. I know that my mind is exaggerating, and that the reality is probably something much less interesting if that were at all possible.

I entertain the idea, just now, and Google volunteer work in my area. Let's see:

The first result is, "Save lives from your couch by becoming a Crisis Counselor!" That's hilarious on so many levels. Not only am I the last person on Earth that should be doing something like that, but it completely defeats the purpose of going anywhere or doing anything because it's all done from the couch.

Let's see. Next there is, "Make a Dream Come True - Host an Exchange Student or Become a Local Coordinator!" I'm not entirely sure what this means. Would I be bringing a foreign child into my tiny rat hole apartment in the middle of the ghetto so they might study in this country that is reviled by the rest of the world in this state that is infamous for its gathering of scum and villainy?

Next there are a few really obscure sections about swimming with multiple sclerosis?? It says:

Quote:
Swim for MS encourages volunteers to create their own swim challenge while recruiting online donations to support the Multiple Sclerosis...


Then there's

Quote:

Be the Role Model She'll Always Remember
with Girl Scouts of the USA 9 REVIEWS
As a Girl Scout volunteer, you’ll introduce girls to new experiences that show them they’re capable of more than they ever...


Oh, totally! How funny would it be for me to actually sign up for this? Could you just imagine for a moment-- the scowls I would get of dumpy old women after I express my interest in helping them with their Girl Scouts. Me. A man.

Let's see... more exchange students. More MS. Oh! Here's one specifically for professional stylists!

I'm going to stop here. Basically what this search amounts to is the reality that I am not needed. I don't have any money or resources to spare that would make me otherwise somewhat useful. All that I am is a collection of bones and organs that come together and form the hideous pterodactyl looking thing that I have found makes everyone so uncomfortable to be around-- so much so that even if I could find something like licking stamps and putting them on envelopes I would eventually be asked to leave and never come back.

I have a car and a tank full of gas that can take me anywhere I please, but everywhere is the same as here. Every place is just a copy-paste of the place next to it in every direction. Everything is so pointless. So stupid. How can any of this even be real? This is all that I've ever known. I wish it could just be over already. I wish I were capable of just taking a long kitchen knife and burying it into my eye socket deep enough to cause death and not instead a whole lot of pain. There is no way out. There is nowhere to go. Everything that exists outside of my front door belongs to someone else. So I have to stay right here, where "here" actually belongs to my landlord, above a living space that belongs to my neighbors so I must be extra careful not to make too much noise or they will bang their ceiling so hard that I can feel my floor shake.

I feel like they're personally attacking me when that happens. I feel like there is no privacy. It makes me want to storm down there, kick their door in and murder them. I never complain when they have their loud, white-trash, drug-addled Jerry Springer-style shouting episodes of door slamming and arguing back and forth at the top of their lungs. I never call the police when it sounds like they're killing each other, either. It doesn't matter how clean I keep my apartment, or how many roaches I kill. More will come from downstairs-- but god forbid something falls over up here, or my six-year old is less than graceful going down the hall.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#426 Jun 13 2018 at 7:46 AM Rating: Excellent
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I briefly looked at Volunteer Match and saw some of your crisis counseling and MS opportunities and assume those are just nationwide things. If you actually want to volunteer with something, call local food pantries or hospice or homeless shelters or some other local charitable non-profit and ask them if they need help. I'd stay away from stuff with kids only because you get into background checks (not that you won't pass but it could be weeks before you can get to work) and those positions are often filled up by Early Childhood Education majors anyway.

It's silly to place your self-value on a search algorithm. I got the same results on the first page. But, if I dig in, there's also requests for food panty workers, people to do grocery pick-ups for food pantries, people to sing Happy Birthday to old people, general hospice volunteers, people to work a nursing home garden, sorting donations at a charitable thrift shop, etc. I don't know exactly where you are or how densely populated it is which will naturally influence how much stuff is around you.

Actually, looking more at it, that search engine really sucks since even with the "local only" tag checked, it still offers "virtual" online positions and an opportunity in Pennsylvania.

Edited, Jun 13th 2018 8:50am by Jophiel
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
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