Then stop doing that. You're dwelling on the negatives and making them loom large in your life. Find things you enjoy about life. Read a good book. Watch a fun TV show or film. Play a video game (or any sort of game). Don't think about anything negative while doing that. Then, think about the fun you had while doing that instead of the negative stuff. I get that you can't just ignore bad stuff and push it away, but you've gone far too far in the other direction IMO. You need to find a balance in life. And the first step to doing that is spend a lot more time thinking of positive things rather than negative.
I am finding myself unable to enjoy those things anymore. That is exactly what I have been doing all my life. Reading books. Playing games. All while being shut away in my room and never interacting with anyone. I feel like the very act of doing these things any longer is a negative thing that I can't avoid.
1. Try to stop defining yourself based on other people, and define yourself based on yourself. Figure out what things you want, what you enjoy, and what you like to do that doesn't revolve around anyone else. I don't mean substitute one person in your life for another (which is what it sounds like you're trying to do here). Figure out who you are (or even who you want to be), and strive to be that person.
It's funny, because she went on a long incoherent rant saying more or less the same thing after I told her I wanted to see her more often. I could not make her understand that everything I want to do involves at least one someone else. I simply can't stomach the idea of doing things alone anymore than I already have been.
2. I know that this kinda violates the first thing I just mentioned, but how are you married if this other woman is the first person you've ever expressed your romantic interest in?
I know it sounds terrible, but I have never had any romantic interest in my wife. There are several people in my life I have been particularly interested in, and I never had any kind of relationship with any of them. I met my wife after emailing something like 150 women on Myspace listed as "single" and she was the only one who responded favorably. I talked to her online for a little while before meeting her, and the rest is history. Before her, I had never been in any kind of relationship with anyone. If she had never replied, I would not have survived another week. I was desperate to be with anyone at all. She doesn't seem to mind our relationship. She is more focused on her career and doesn't seem to care about the kind of things I do. She has told me she is unhappy, though, but only because she feels she still isn't making enough money. I have told her I am unhappy because of how platonic our relationship is, and how I feel ignored by her and the kids. She says she won't talk about divorce because she and my mother are afraid I will kill myself, and I can't really say anything until I can be independent from her financially. Originally it was our plan for her to work and make all the money since she has a good paying job and I am more or less unemployable, and I am to stay home and tend to cooking and cleaning and that sort of thing.
And, as I mentioned above, the first step is to spend less time thinking about the things that bother you, and more time thinking about things you like and enjoy.
The only things I can think of that I would actually like or enjoy is to be in the company my friend, doing anything at all. Someone else at this point would not even do. I know that sounds incredibly unreasonable. The way I feel around my friend is literally like a drug, and when I'm not at least texting her, I begin to feel worse and worse. It has been this way for me for several other people in my life. There is always someone at a place I work at, or went to school with who had the same effect, but they were always from a safe distance. I never before had the pleasure of talking to such a person or getting to spend time with them in any way. Sometimes I think it would be better if I had just never met her, and I could go back sleeping 17 hours a day or playing online games over Skype with fatherless jailbait.
Instead I now spend every moment I'm awake on Facebook trying to come up with valid excuse to talk to her, which is hard. She is easily the hardest person to talk to over text that I have ever known, but she makes up for it by being incredibly charming in person. I used to play League of Legends with her over Teamspeak but that doesn't seem like something she ever wants to do anymore. So I wait until Thursdays through Saturday and ask her if she is going to be at the comic store on either of those days and go when she goes. Anything else I do feels like wasting time.
Then I realized that I wasn't sad. And I moved on.
I can usually move on, usually. I think the reason it's hard to now is because I feel like there is still hope, however unrealistic it may be, that what I want can happen. Honestly, I would be perfectly happy being just friends with my friend, so long as I got to see her and talk to her once in a while, just like before. But as it stands right now, I feel as though the next thing she is going to say to me is how she would rather not talk to me at all, or she will make up excuses to not join me at the comic store, or have an actual reason for not being there because she'll be somewhere else with that other guy establishing a relationship with him. Or not. I have no idea what will happen. I don't know anything at all for sure because she always says so little that I don't even have room for speculation. The uncertainty is the worst part I think. I feel I may have ruined things. She fell asleep while we were talking about that on Sunday night and said the next day that it was settled and there was no need to discuss it any further. I am going to ask her tomorrow morning if she has any plans for this week to go the comic store. How she responds will be the deciding factor in how I feel tomorrow.
I don't know how I can balance anything when there is nothing else at all I care about. I can't make myself enjoy doing something else. I can certainly force myself to do other things. I can try to forget and take my mind off of her, but it never lasts for more than a minute or two.
I am realizing now that the problem is: I didn't really enjoy anything to begin with. I don't enjoy things. If I read a book or play a game or do anything at all by myself, it is not for enjoyment, it is simply to keep busy.
I feel like I say this a lot, but I compare myself to the Trix Rabbit. He spends all his life obsessing over and chasing after one thing he can never, ever have, just to be told it's not for him-- whereas they will then throw him a ****** sack of carrots. I just cannot force myself to eat any more ****** carrots, not when I see everyone else around me enjoying Trix cereal that I just for some ******* reason cannot have. The frustration I feel is purely maddening. The fact that I put so much effort into one thing and fail over and over no matter what I do. It is this that fuels my desire to die the most. All that I want and have ever wanted is for someone to love. But that is not. for. me. Edited, Oct 29th 2016 5:30pm by Kuwoobie