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#477 Sep 03 2018 at 7:19 PM Rating: Good
GBATE!! Never saw it coming
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In all seriousness (and I apologize if this has been brought up and answered) have you been tested for ADD?

My mom (retired) was a reasonably successful reporter/columnist/ writer for many years. She was also fairly disorganized and prone to misplace stuff and would start personal projects and take forever to complete them.

After years...hell, decades of this she was diagnosed with ADD and started on some medication for it. The difference was astounding to say the least.

She described the difference like this: Imagine you are driving down the highway with alot of blowing snow at night. Anyone who's done this knows that it is very disorienting as you sense of speed and perspective gets pretty discombobulated. Taking the meds was like having all that snow go away so you can concentrate and, incidentally, see the road again.

Go get checked, Kuwoobie. Seriously.


ALSO: eels, hovercraft, etc

Edited, Sep 3rd 2018 7:20pm by Bijou
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#478 Sep 04 2018 at 4:32 PM Rating: Good
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Allegory's point about depressive versus positive thinking is pretty darn relevant here. One of the things I've noticed about your writing is the language you use is extremely negative, for things that aren't inherently so.

Kuwoobie wrote:
Telling me that other people are worse off doesn't change anything. Telling me that everything is my fault doesn't change anything.


You can choose to interpret what folks are saying as "everything is my fault", but that's an incredibly negative way of looking at things. The reality is that you are responsible for the decisions you make and actions you take. You can call that "fault", but that's you choosing to view it that way. It just is what it is. There's no blame or fault here, just results from decisions and actions. Some will be good. Some will be bad.

Quote:
I think what is happening is perfectly natural. I have been filtered out. I didn't make the cut. I was not meant to survive.


Same thing here. You start out with a reasonable proposition. That it's natural for failure to occur (cause it is, as several people have pointed out). But you then proceed down a path of interpretation that gets increasingly negative. You've been "filtered out", and "didn't make the cut". Again, you can choose to interpret it that way, but we've all failed to "make the cut" at many point in our lives for a range of things, from not getting picked first for kickball, to not making the whatever team in high school, or not getting a call back on that job we applied for. Life if chock full of situations where you aren't the one chosen for something. This is (as you say) "perfectly natural".

But then you go one step further to "I was not meant to survive". Um... What? How do you leap from one to the other? I agree with Allegory that how we choose to perceive things can dramatically affect how we feel about those things, and that this can create a feedback effect. And no, I'm not saying to just put on a happy face, smile, and nod, etc. But just not automatically going to the most negative interpretation of things might make a huge difference.
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#479 Oct 11 2018 at 8:07 AM Rating: Good
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Friar Bijou wrote:
In all seriousness (and I apologize if this has been brought up and answered) have you been tested for ADD?



I don't know. Probably. I do have a really hard time staying focused on one thing at a time. I don't remember mentioning that, though or how it might be related to anything. Like when I clean the apartment. I'll clean dishes for like 35 seconds, then decide I need to tidy up a big mess made by the kids in the living room area-- and at that point it becomes incredibly stressful because there are clothes mixed with food wrappers mixed with toys mixed with forks and pens that all go to different places and it ends up taking an extraordinary amount of time to get anything done.

So maybe. I don't know. I don't know where to even begin getting checked for things like that. I don't have a primary care doctor. I tried to establish one earlier this year after being hospitalized for diverticulitis, but got nothing but a maze of answering machines and robots on the phone and quickly gave up trying.

I am slowly deteriorating. I'm not young anymore. My gut is all messed up. I have hardly anything left of my back teeth due to my gut being messed up, or maybe it's the other way around. --and of course, I'm probably all kinds crazy. It doesn't help that I'm broke and unemployable.

It's nothing compared to what my friend is going through, though. My friend, the wife in the couple that are my pool buddies, the mother of Fujoshi. --I worry for her. Apparently she has some rare genetic disorder that is causing her lungs to slowly stop working. A month ago, she revealed to me that she was going to be needing a transplant, otherwise she will be gone within a year. She is going to be gone for a long time to do some kind of tests to determine what her priority is on a donor list soon. I'm hopeful they'll be able to help her, but I don't know anything about it.

Then, as of yesterday, I learned from her daughter that she also has a major problem with her spleen. She told me that it could "rupture at any time and cause her to bleed internally." Aside from that, she said she was not allowed to talk about it and did not want to get in trouble for telling me.

So now I learn the extent of how distressed Fujoshi is feeling, knowing that her mother will likely be gone soon. I am feeling less hopeful that she will survive. I don't know how her husband feels about it. I don't know what their whole family is going to do without her. She is definitely the one who was always in charge of their household.

Strangely, I don't seem to feel anything. I love my friend. I don't want her to die, of course. Yet somehow it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem real. Life continues to go on like there's nothing wrong. She still calls me to go to lunch with her on days we're both home alone doing nothing otherwise. She wears her sunglasses and tells me about their frequent trips to Disney World and their plans to travel more. My thoughts feel muddled. Just writing all of this now feels stiff and unnatural and robotic.

Fujoshi has been calling me every day on Discord, and we talk for hours. --not about her mother, but about anime, or her friends from school, or share music that she wants me to add to my usb drive to my car for when I'm taking her to school in the mornings. Or she will sing the entire Heathers musical, word for word. I help her with her homework that she wouldn't do at all if I didn't.

As of about two weeks ago, Fujoshi roped into writing fanfiction for her on a site called Wattpad. I have never seen anyone get SO EXCITED about anything, ever. She will call on Discord and help guide the direction of the story over screen share. She has made herself the protagonist of both of our ongoing stories, where she is the love interest of her favorite characters from both My Hero Academia and Attack on Titan.

I don't know what prompted me to write all this now. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything. --not right this minute at least. I have been depressed a lot, especially when I am pressured to find a job. My wife has taken the initiative of applying for jobs for me, since I told her it wouldn't do any good, and it hasn't. There have been no phone calls from anyone aside from those looking to collect my new student loan debt. Of course, potential employers can probably see that now as well. They can see my credit score and all of my social media somehow. They can probably even link all of this I'm writing now directly to me if they wanted to. Who knows?

My wife also thought it would be a good idea to make me an account on Tindr... She said she wanted to prove me wrong after I said there could never have been anyone else if I never met her. I think she is just trying to get rid of me. It's funny because I lose, either way. If she can't prove me wrong, then I'm still an unlovable loser with an account full of my photos on a sketchy dating site.

I told her that dating sites are useless, as there are only two possible outcomes when using them: A.) You sign up, and get flooded with harassment and sexual advances from creepy, unwanted men, or B.) You ARE the creepy and unwanted man and you are ignored by literally everyone.

So it's like... "Haha, world! You see? I AM an unemployable, undatable loser and there's nothing at all you can do about it!" So much winning.
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