I've been talking to a lot of people lately
. lolgaxe was exactly right in that the
majority of them
all of them were met via Craigslist. It had been about 8 years since I last used that site, and the first time I ever bothered posting under the "strictly platonic" section. Much to my surprise, I ended up being contacted by quite a few real people before my post was flagged for removal for no particular reason.
Aside from the men who wanted "di
ck pics or gtfo", there were a couple of married women who contacted me and were happy to talk to me over Skype and/or KiK for a few days. Both seemed to be able to relate very well in particular about the part of my post where I mentioned how I felt unwanted and ignored. One considered bringing me along to go dumpster diving with her, but we kind of stopped talking to each other after that. The other I talked to a great deal. She seemed very interested in listening to my problems and pretty much everything I've been talking about on this thread and was very empathetic and understanding about everything. She didn't like to talk about herself much, though. We kind of trailed off once our conversations started feeling like forced small talk I guess.
Talking to them reminded me how all I was really doing was trying to fill the massive hole in my life Red once filled, and how futile it all is. I realize now that no one will ever be able to replace her. I told Red once that meeting her was like finding a diamond in an endless sea of dirt, and, as it turns out, that could not be more accurate.
I said before that talking to random guys in some public place would be like eating shi
t and trying to like it. Well, maybe it's not quite like eating shi
t, but certainly a lot like eating something I really just don't care for. Even thinking back to Erika (the comic store one), I realize I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt a lot, and had been seeing her largely through the eyes of some serious optimism goggles. In fact, the more I think about her, the more I realize what a piece of shi
t she is, and wonder why I even liked her at all to begin with. You know, like never mind the fact that talking to her online was like talking to a retarded person. All she wanted was a guy who could buy her a new PC, and she got it-- and herpes.
You know, as much as I really hate myself, that hatred pales in comparison to how I feel about other
people. As worthless as I am, it's hard to imagine that I would think the majority of people I come across are actually beneath
Saying that is the majority of people is probably a stretch. If anything, most people are alright for the most part. I just don't have anything in common with "most people" and there's really no reason for me to want to talk to them and vice versa. It's not so much like eating shi
t and pretending to like it as it is being told I should find a Top 40 station on the radio and listening to that because music that resonates with me and actually makes me happy is unhealthy for me for some reason.
I have talked to my wife about everything, leaving out no details. I tell her when I feel like I need to hurt myself, even if it's not necessarily what I want
to do. It is how I feel
very often. Then there are many times where I do actually want to die-- times where if I just had a sure way to do it I would, which is every day at some point or another. --and even though she and Red hated each other, she often says she wishes she would come back, because at least then she didn't have to deal with me saying things like that.
Looking at her profile on Myanimelist.net and her League of Legends match history, I can tell Red has been playing exclusively with some guy. They even have matching user avatars just like she and I once did. I found his Steam profile and Facebook and he's only 5 years younger than me and lives in Miami... I wonder if he knows how old she is, or if she has gone back to pretending to be older. Of course, the older she gets the easier that will be. She ignores any attempt I make to contact her completely. I have been replaced, just like that. I am written off and forgotten about, but I'm still alive, and so is she. It's like being buried alive.
I think about this a lot. My wife has been making an effort to be less distant with me after all that I've told her, and I appreciate it. I wonder why she or my kids can't simply take over the role Red had, at least in some way. I love my wife and my son and stepdaughter, but it's not the same thing. Red was my person. She was someone who always wanted to talk to me. It was unconditional. Inseparable. For nearly two years she would call and we would talk and play games together all day. I never had to be the one to call her. I would simply wait and she would, as sure as the sun would rise. I had never felt such a bond with anyone, and every day I thought it could not grow any further, it did. Just little every day things-- like when she would write me cute little letters and send them to my mailbox in WoW attached with cakes. I loved her more and more every day-- and it was not in any way I had ever felt for anyone before. It was different somehow, but I don't really understand why or how that is. I had never known what it was like to be truly be happy until then.
I don't understand. But I am easily replaced, and can't replace her. I think the only thing keeping me from hanging myself right now is the idea that she is so young, and she will grow up and remember that what she values most is loyalty-- or so she says. Maybe someday she'll be married and have her own kids and think about me, and maybe I'll still be alive.