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Relationships + FFXIV = impossible to gauge?Follow

#102 Dec 07 2010 at 12:08 PM Rating: Good
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Olorinus the Vile wrote:
This sprouted from another thread that we were on the verge of derailing.

(It may be too late)

We were talking about significant others and how they can impact the sort of gaming experience it is feasible to have. Like some people were saying their partners didn't mind if they played but didn't like it when they used headsets, for example. Others played with their significant other, etc.

My girlfriend doesn't game but she has been a real gem about my burgeoning addiction. Sometimes I even play a bit when she is over - she reads or whatever.

I don't think she would like it if I used a headset around her, however. I don't know for sure. That would just seem more rude, I think.

What is your relationship with this game and your relationship? Feel free to talk about worries/hopes/fears/past experiences. Helpful strategies to calm the wrath of the non-gamer girl/boy friend also are welcome.

Edited, Dec 6th 2010 4:43pm by Olorinus



This is what happened to me when I first discovered online gaming. I was actually a single gal when I heard of FFXI. I bought the upgrade for my ps2 and everything. However I never really got a chance to play it until after I was married about two years later. My husband liked "some" gaming such as GT and LOTR. I was more into The Elder Scrolls, Parasite Eve, SE games such as the FF series, etc. So we decided to try this game together.

We both had PS2's and at the time we didn't have the money we do now, so we saw absolutly no need to spend lots of money to get updated computers to run it. However, our gaming set up didn't allow us to sit side by side to play together. One of us would have to play downstairs and one upstairs...bad decision.

After playing XI, for a few years, my husband started to see me as a gaming character...not me. The way XI was set up, as most online games are that I know of, are meant to consume quite a bit of time. So to try and level and do the quests, which to the day we never finished, we would spend every evening leveling up our characters. Every weekend from the time we woke up until we went to bed playing...we did this for two or so years...it almost cost us our marriage. We were not intimate as we used to be because the play style of this game consumed us. I blame XI partly for it's design for addicting us and partly ourselves for allowing ourselves to be consumed by it's addicting qualities.

We salvaged our marriage through counceling and we have a rule in our house that neither of us are allowed to play online games without the other, and we can play no more than 3-4 times a week. Well as any of us know who have played XI or harder online games that's impossible to do if you want to progress. So when I heard of 14 coming out I was so thrilled. Because it sounded as if it were more friendly to those of us who simply can not play for long periods of time and for those who can't level grind in parties. So that is where we stand today in our relationship together and with FF14. We play it only a few times a week, while the other days are spent doing family activities. It seems to be working in our dynamic.

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#103 Dec 07 2010 at 12:17 PM Rating: Good
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Idk they just don't understand the type of game. My mom watched me play XI once tryed to figure it out lol. In the end she threw her hands up and said uh yea... lol. Now my niece will sit on my lap and watch mobs for me lmao. She was 2 so she thought it was great. I find that I can't talk about the books I read either. Since they are fantasy books. trying to talk about my interests are a pain some times lol. My sister Understands some of it and bought me a PS2 back in the day to replace one I had lost. Her friend was so mad turned and looked at me and said "Don't you know how to do anything but game?" At the time I hadn't been gaming for about 3 months lol. You can imagin I was pretty upset.

I guess it comes down to a sever lack of understanding. You know that fear of something you don't really know or understand until you do it.
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#104 Dec 07 2010 at 12:23 PM Rating: Decent
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@ Lillitha My man and I have days set aside for just us. Kinda like a date night. When we weren't living together it was spent in XI on different characters we had made just for that day. We went so far as to not even have an LS when we were on them. Now on that set day we watch movies or do puzzles something other then play. We have really good communication so if 1 or the other seems to take the gaming a little to far we say so.
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#105 Dec 07 2010 at 12:30 PM Rating: Good
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The One and Only FinalFanXIV wrote:
I'm not "allowed" to play videogames. My GF hates them says they are non constructive blah blah blah and in fact are a Destructive use of my time cause

"Videogames kill your imagination and make you stupid" in her brain this is FACT

so i hide my ps3 when she comes over, also i open up wikipedia to some random stuff in internet browser and close allah and anything game related.



This made me laugh and cry at the same time.

Sorry haven't been around to post in my own thread.

The girlfriend I had before this one also liked to play video-games but not online ones. I wasn't doing MMOs then and she lived in a different city so there was no problem.

My first girlfriend hated it when I played videogames. We were trapped in Ontario for more than a month with no money and the people we were staying with had world of warcraft on their comps and didn't mind that I made a character. Even though the only reason I was trapped in the **** of ontario summer with no money and nothing to do was because of my gf but she would get so mad everytime I played - even though there was nothing else to do but smoke pot (which I wasn't into) - so she was smoking her face off (using our host's pot, which I am pretty sure they minded a lot more than me playing WoW on their computers while they were at work given the fact that WoW is an infinite resource and pot is not) and b*tching at me for playing video games.

UGH. That relationship did not work out.

My current girlfriend is a total sweetie and though she does sometimes want my attention when I want to play videogames - in the end she is more important to me than gaming. She is also pretty cool about the whole thing. Like last night we went for dinner and when we came home I wanted to do a fishing leve and a battle leve at camp tranquil, and I told her so. She wasn't overjoyed about it but I told her it wouldn't take more than 40 minutes (which it didn't) so she just watched a couple eps of the simpsons while I did it - no big deal. She doesn't get b^tchy or dramatic about my playtime. I can (and do) tell her when I need some gaming time and she gives me the space for it. She doesn't act like I am a loser for playing videogames.

While I do think it would be cool to be able to share my gaming with my significant other, as long as I am not made to feel bad for playing - it doesn't bother me that she has other interests. I think the key really is to make sure she knows that the videogame is not more important than her (which it is not).

I know a lot of people have had bad experiences with non gaming girlfriends (including myself) but I think that has less to do with gaming versus not gaming and more to do with the relationship itself. Also gamers some times bring it on themselves by not taking time out for their loved one and ensuring that they are not making their partner play second fiddle to an imaginary world. (I had a roomie who I watched ignore his girl completely -EVEN ON VALENTINES DAY- while gaming. In fact for valentines day he bought his non-gamer girlfriend a game - then proceeded to play the game the whole night - even rejecting her sexual advances. I sh$t you not.)

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lolgaxe wrote:
When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.


#106 Dec 07 2010 at 12:30 PM Rating: Decent
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Kindredsouls wrote:
@ Lillitha My man and I have days set aside for just us. Kinda like a date night. When we weren't living together it was spent in XI on different characters we had made just for that day. We went so far as to not even have an LS when we were on them. Now on that set day we watch movies or do puzzles something other then play. We have really good communication so if 1 or the other seems to take the gaming a little to far we say so.



Yeah, we had to learn the hard way unfortunatly. I hope no one ever really has to go through what I went through, it sucks.
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#107 Dec 07 2010 at 12:31 PM Rating: Good
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Omena wrote:
I'd now like to be the @#%^ who nitpicks at the OP and say that the phrase {Impossible to gauge.} does not actually mean harder then {Incredibly tough.}. It simply means it's impossible to gauge and it could in fact be easy, as was often the case when fighting low level NMs that conned that.


that was deliberate. I think for some people it is easy - for some it is tough. Therefore, "impossible to gauge."
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lolgaxe wrote:
When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.


#108 Dec 07 2010 at 12:38 PM Rating: Excellent
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Ha! Finally out of class.

Ok so more on relationships, thanks so much for your story Lillitha, I definitely understand the time constraints. As a college kid I'm balancing school, my bf, gaming, and setting up future plans and I hope to get a job for the summer since I can't really swing one as a double major without getting myself sick. I can't wait for the XIV PS3 release because it seems easier with such barriers and I can't really swing bring my PC and I doubt it can run the game.

As for family issues, awesome new dynamic to look at. I personally haven't had much trouble, I got my mom and brother on XI when I played but they quit fast since they didn't understand how the UI worked at all. My brother doesn't like people in general and my mom is just no good at gaming. Whenever either of my parents play games they usually have me coach them through rough parts or do it for them haha. They're really supportive though since they know I could be doing worse, my dad was a cop so he saw kids doing worse every day.

My deal is actually that as long as I keep my grades up and all, they pay for the subscription and everything. I'm kind of on a Ph.D path and I'd be the first in my family to try for such a thing. My extended family knows I love gaming and they don't think much of it. I'm an outcast for the most part but in the end they're proud enough that I stay out of trouble. My mom actually bragged to some of her friends that I'm so good at gaming because she thinks it takes fast mental processing.

I've had more trouble in relationships because I'm not the average lovey dovey hold your hand all day gf that most guys in high school were used to. I'm a tomboy who played sports and video games with the guys on my down time. I'd rather sit around gaming together as a date than waste money on going out, but I understand now that that's just me being frugal and I let my companion take me out every now and then. I'm now dating someone a couple years older and though age isn't a true measure of maturity or anything, I'm loving the difference. He also loves joking around with me as much as I do to him.

TL;DR: My family is super supportive though I'm still the oddball (I'm also 10 yrs younger than my youngest cousin btw) and I think more of my relationships had issues with my gaming because I'm not an average HS girl or I'm not very affectionate. Even washing cars together is a date in my book, it's the way I was raised.
#109 Dec 07 2010 at 12:39 PM Rating: Good
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Mikhalia the Picky wrote:
Vedis wrote:
Kindredsouls wrote:
Well this is my first post so please bare in mind I can't spell punctuation and such I really don't care about lol.

Both my better half and I play. We still run 2 event shells and a social shell in XI on top of doing XIV. Atm we can't play XIV at the same time so I play while hes at work then when he gets its his turn to play. (This is until the PS3 release.) I met him in XI. And as far as gaming being an issue goes, that only happens when one or the other isn't playing at the same time lol. (Given thats with XI, with XIV I watch TV make dinner and such while he plays.)
I have had other relationships, 1 with a gamer and 1 without, Both had very different views. Both felt I played to much but for different reasons. The nongamer had issues in his own right and I got really stressed and dove right in to escape. The gamer didn't understand why I played and tbh we both had issues with each other that caused the gaming to be too much.

My current better half is awesome about it though. Since he plays just as much as I do lol, and when we are on together we do stuff together.

One thing I have run into as a gamer is that my family doesn't understand it. My dad does play but not the same type of games. My mom and sister both do not play at all. So talking to them about it is like trying to explain myself and getting nowhere lol. Mom excepts it and trys to understand but I try not to say anything about it for the most part. Any thoughts on Family issues with gaming? I see alot talking about the relationships but never about how it effects family life.



Yeah ive seen ALOT more family issues with gaming then relationship issues
since you can choose a gf/bf but not your family

my uncle is into gaming, he understands, but everyone else thinks im wasting time, and that im on the computer too much etc etc i need to go do more. i dont think anyone who has never really played can understand.
yet its ok for people to be so obsessed with baseball/football that they spend every waking minute on it, but "that" is healthy.


Yeah, I've always questioned how the same people who think that gaming is weird and a waste of time are the same people who would happily throw away at least as many hours watching TV. I don't see how watching 5 hours a day of TV is worse than 5 hours a day of gaming.


Didn't you know? All that reality TV makes people smarter!
#110 Dec 07 2010 at 12:40 PM Rating: Decent
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I agree Lex sometimes we do bring it on ourselves. But If the person you are with accepts you for who you are flaws and all then it really shouldn't be an issue.

I game to be around the friends I have made all over the world. In a single player game stopping in the middle of it is fine. When your into a party or something like that it kinda comes down to the fact, at least for me, that there are other ppl depending on you. Dropping what your doing because someone wants something can be a pain for those others. In a way it can be disrespectful. Kinda a double edged sword when it comes to relationships. But the ppl I am around in game understand when I say brb have to do this real quick or that real quick. And if i know when my man will get home i don't get involved in anything at all. We both have the same outlook on our gaming. Real Life comes first. And that is something all of our friends know. And something we put into play for ourselves :).
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#111 Dec 07 2010 at 12:42 PM Rating: Good
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Lantesh wrote:
Mikhalia the Picky wrote:
That's one thing I really don't like about XIV compared to XI or WoW; on WoW, your characters are separate. On FFXI, your jobs are all separate (Merits apply across all jobs, but other than that, they are) so I could always set aside "this character" or "these jobs" to play with her and play on my own separately; I can't play FFXIV without her without affecting my physical level. I wish I could temporarily turn off my physical level and play another class or two, but I can't.


I'm not sure why that would keep you from playing on your own, physical level really doesn't mean much at all in this game. All it is is basically the merit system from XI that you get from rank 1. It also has caps on it per rank, so it's not like you will be one-shotting things if you change to a lower ranked class.

To give an example, one of my friends is waiting for her boyfriend to play with us come PS3 launch. She still plays often and now has physical level 31. All she's done is set aside a few classes that she wants to play with him when he finally gets in game. Her physical level isn't really going to effect her ability to play with him at all. I also have a LS member who is physical level 50. She has no problems playing with the lower rank members who have a physical rank of 14. I have physical level 38 and save my lancer class (rank 12) to play with the lower members myself.

In that regard, I would say that it's exactly like XI where you can just set aside a class or two to play with her. She won't need to play catch up since your class rank is more important than your physical level.


100% true. If anything it will just make it easier for you guys to play together cause you'll be stronger and be able to help her through the rough patches. No SP will be lost, however.
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lolgaxe wrote:
When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.


#112 Dec 07 2010 at 12:46 PM Rating: Decent
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My boyfriend and I met on FFXI almost 7 years ago. After 4 years of a long distance relationship we finally live together and have a 17 month old son. I think it DEFINATELY helps if you are both interested in the same things. Now on cold yucky days, we sit side by side. Him on his PS3 and me on my PC and we game together. So if we both play for 5 hours straight, one of us isn't upset by that.

For those that said they "weren't allowed" to play. I think it's time you either re-evaluate your relationship, or walk away from the console. It's not worth the fight. I honestly don't think it's worth breaking up a family. I know you should be allowed to do what you want, when you want. But yeah, your actions do affect others. If you can't come up with some sort of compromise, break up, or quit playing. I know men who are gaming addicts. They ignore their families, and lose their jobs. It's really actually very sad. This is the extreme side of it.
But you should be able to play a few hours here and there on your OWN time.

It's a hard subject and people who aren't in to video games don't really understand. I think in the right relationship like many of you are in. It is possible to have a great relationship and still be a gamer.
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#113 Dec 07 2010 at 12:49 PM Rating: Excellent
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I think everyone's touched on the main issue here in some way or another. We need to choose what is more important.

So I don't blame gaming for the failure of past relationships, more of me just not being the affectionate girlfriend my exes wanted (though idk how seeing them every day and just short of being physically attached to them isn't enough. High school relationships were way too clingy imo, even if longer distance. Definitely noticed a difference upon hitting college).

Right now my relationship is certainly far more than gaming, but it's awesome that my boyfriend likes to game with me and likes that I give him games to play (we like the same styles and he's only getting a newer system now since they cost so much >.>). But if he suggests going to the movies or something, I'm all for it. I go on more "dates" with him than any previous bf. And I enjoy his company far more because we are open and talk about what we're comfortable with.
#114 Dec 07 2010 at 1:01 PM Rating: Good
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Kindredsouls wrote:
I agree Lex sometimes we do bring it on ourselves. But If the person you are with accepts you for who you are flaws and all then it really shouldn't be an issue.

I game to be around the friends I have made all over the world. In a single player game stopping in the middle of it is fine. When your into a party or something like that it kinda comes down to the fact, at least for me, that there are other ppl depending on you. Dropping what your doing because someone wants something can be a pain for those others. In a way it can be disrespectful. Kinda a double edged sword when it comes to relationships. But the ppl I am around in game understand when I say brb have to do this real quick or that real quick. And if i know when my man will get home i don't get involved in anything at all. We both have the same outlook on our gaming. Real Life comes first. And that is something all of our friends know. And something we put into play for ourselves :).


Yeah, I mean I brought up an extreme example - I don't think that is the case with most gamers.

Before getting XIV I had a couple of long discussions with my GF. I am not really that into single player games and tbh my love affair with gaming comes and goes. I wouldn't categorize myself as a "hardcore gamer." So we had been dating for about 5 months and I hadn't been gaming at all (since I quit XI about a month before meeting her.)

I explained to her about playing with other people - what it meant. I explained that I would need to protect my reputation - meaning that if I was in a group I may not be able to change plans to spend time with her on short notice, etc.

I do think FFXIV is WAY better in terms of that sort of thing tho. The group set up is a lot more flexible (though if I am the only mage there can be a problem.) I do find I do a lot more solo than I could in XI (tho I soloed A LOT in XI as a BLU after FoV came out). There is also a lot of short time-limited content like behest and stuff that I can do with PuGs and such.

But yeah, real life comes first. I like gaming, but having a warm person with loving eyes to wake up to in the morning is just so much more than that.


Edited, Dec 7th 2010 11:03am by Olorinus
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lolgaxe wrote:
When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.


#115 Dec 07 2010 at 1:13 PM Rating: Excellent
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Solaine wrote:
I think everyone's touched on the main issue here in some way or another. We need to choose what is more important.

So I don't blame gaming for the failure of past relationships, more of me just not being the affectionate girlfriend my exes wanted (though idk how seeing them every day and just short of being physically attached to them isn't enough. High school relationships were way too clingy imo, even if longer distance. Definitely noticed a difference upon hitting college).

Right now my relationship is certainly far more than gaming, but it's awesome that my boyfriend likes to game with me and likes that I give him games to play (we like the same styles and he's only getting a newer system now since they cost so much >.>). But if he suggests going to the movies or something, I'm all for it. I go on more "dates" with him than any previous bf. And I enjoy his company far more because we are open and talk about what we're comfortable with.



Good post and you're right it certainly is about balance. I particularly love your views on dating. As I am engaged, my fiancée and I appreciate the simple dates more then extravagant nights out. We were best friends for ages and seriously we never technically went through the traditional "dating" process. We went out and did things together and formed something we feel is truly special. we take hikes, she snaps pictures while I fish. We'll go north and I'll snowboard and she'll snap pictures of the scenary and my boarding.

Our downtime during the week because we both have really taxing jobs is for her lie down and veg to her fav shows and I don't interrupt bc i am beside her playing wow of xiv. Its all about the balance in the end.
#116 Dec 07 2010 at 1:32 PM Rating: Good
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This is an interesting topic. I have played MMO's since I was very young. FFXIV is the first MMO I've played in about 5 years, and my wife isn't extremly happy that I'm playing, but understands that I enjoy it.

What works for us is this: When I get home from work, we eat dinner and then maybe watch an hour or 2 of shows we've recorded. After that, I ASK her if it's ok if I play for a bit and she's usually obliging. Every hour or so, I take the time to pause the game and go see what she's doing (Usually reading or watching TV).....if she goes to bed, I log off and go to bed. For some reason, she doesn't like the idea of me playing into the wee hours of the night...

Making the effort to remind her that you are thinking of her is the key to balancing the MMO / Marriage.

Did I mention that my wife is 6 months pregnant??? Not sure how much gaming I'll be able to do after the baby comes :)
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Irishclass777 said: crafting is crafting no matter the game just because crafting is a job in ffxiv don't it much change much.


#117 Dec 07 2010 at 1:40 PM Rating: Decent
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tmproff wrote:
This is an interesting topic. I have played MMO's since I was very young. FFXIV is the first MMO I've played in about 5 years, and my wife isn't extremly happy that I'm playing, but understands that I enjoy it.

What works for us is this: When I get home from work, we eat dinner and then maybe watch an hour or 2 of shows we've recorded. After that, I ASK her if it's ok if I play for a bit and she's usually obliging. Every hour or so, I take the time to pause the game and go see what she's doing (Usually reading or watching TV).....if she goes to bed, I log off and go to bed. For some reason, she doesn't like the idea of me playing into the wee hours of the night...

Making the effort to remind her that you are thinking of her is the key to balancing the MMO / Marriage.

Did I mention that my wife is 6 months pregnant??? Not sure how much gaming I'll be able to do after the baby comes :)


Most likely for the first 6 monthes to a year you own't be gaming. My husband and I have a now 18 month old little girl. She is the light of our lives. At the time we were playing FFXI and we went on a 6 month hiatus. You will be so exhausted from the sleepless nights and feedings around the clock. It takes a while to be able to get back into a somewhat normal life. What we do is we only play when she's in bed at night. We check our retainers during nap if we have a spare moment. Other than that, online gaming is off limits while she is awake.

Congrats and good luck! :)
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#118 Dec 07 2010 at 1:51 PM Rating: Excellent
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Speeral wrote:

Good post and you're right it certainly is about balance. I particularly love your views on dating. ...
Our downtime during the week because we both have really taxing jobs is for her lie down and veg to her fav shows and I don't interrupt bc i am beside her playing wow of xiv. Its all about the balance in the end.


Thank you ^_^

I'm actually pretty young and this is the first relationship I'm taking more seriously than I thought. As I'm planning to study abroad, I didn't think I'd end up seeing anyone until after because to ask someone to wait even for just 4-5 months is a lot. But I met my man at Otakon this past summer through some friends and we didn't really have much interest until we talked afterwards.

I originally wasn't going to play xiv because I know I'm an addict. But my bf mentioned he wanted to get a PS3 and play the game and I exploded into a wealth of knowledge, information, updates, and excitement. I warned him of my addiction and pinkie swore not to let our relationship suffer. He actually asked to go on a date tomorrow night and despite my views I'll pretty much always say yes because we spend the majority of our time playing games or watching movies at my place or his until we go out to eat. And half the time we just cook in my apartment. I kind of fear commitment because I literally just left the teen world and am a strong independent woman x.x and I don't want my career to be sidetracked. However, though it terrifies me to say, I would be very happy if my current relationship lasted and becomes strong and happy like many posters have described their lives to be.

Quote:
Did I mention that my wife is 6 months pregnant??? Not sure how much gaming I'll be able to do after the baby comes :)


Congrats! I'm sure that will be a lot of work x.x I used to work with an elementary school and though kids aren't my favorite (as they remind me of long-term commitment and how many women including my mom sacrificed a career for a family) I think it's great when people make a loving family. I'm sure you'll be a great dad especially since you're willing to put aside the game.
#119 Dec 07 2010 at 2:02 PM Rating: Good
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Solaine wrote:


Thank you ^_^

I'm actually pretty young and this is the first relationship I'm taking more seriously than I thought. As I'm planning to study abroad, I didn't think I'd end up seeing anyone until after because to ask someone to wait even for just 4-5 months is a lot. But I met my man at Otakon this past summer through some friends and we didn't really have much interest until we talked afterwards.

I originally wasn't going to play xiv because I know I'm an addict. But my bf mentioned he wanted to get a PS3 and play the game and I exploded into a wealth of knowledge, information, updates, and excitement. I warned him of my addiction and pinkie swore not to let our relationship suffer. He actually asked to go on a date tomorrow night and despite my views I'll pretty much always say yes because we spend the majority of our time playing games or watching movies at my place or his until we go out to eat. And half the time we just cook in my apartment. I kind of fear commitment because I literally just left the teen world and am a strong independent woman x.x and I don't want my career to be sidetracked. However, though it terrifies me to say, I would be very happy if my current relationship lasted and becomes strong and happy like many posters have described their lives to be.



You're still young and have a lot to experience. Enjoy everything as it comes and accept anything that happens as consequence good or bad. Sounds to me like you have a strong relationship starting and asking someone to wait a little or come with if your working on your dreams and accomplishments is not selfish. Just don't take it personally if you have to journey alone. Sometimes that is just the way it is meant to be. Good luck in your XIV adventures.

I am taking sometime away maybe 3-6 months until some of this content and economy business is sorted. I hope for better in the future.
#120 Dec 07 2010 at 2:14 PM Rating: Excellent
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Quote:
You're still young and have a lot to experience. Enjoy everything as it comes and accept anything that happens as consequence good or bad. Sounds to me like you have a strong relationship starting and asking someone to wait a little or come with if your working on your dreams and accomplishments is not selfish. Just don't take it personally if you have to journey alone. Sometimes that is just the way it is meant to be. Good luck in your XIV adventures.


Yeah, I understand that much. As I am so young and my significant is only a few years my senior, him tagging along isn't really an option and he has his own goals, which I support fully. We already talked about what we want to do if we're still together when I leave the country.
#121 Dec 07 2010 at 2:24 PM Rating: Good
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Solaine wrote:
Quote:
You're still young and have a lot to experience. Enjoy everything as it comes and accept anything that happens as consequence good or bad. Sounds to me like you have a strong relationship starting and asking someone to wait a little or come with if your working on your dreams and accomplishments is not selfish. Just don't take it personally if you have to journey alone. Sometimes that is just the way it is meant to be. Good luck in your XIV adventures.


Yeah, I understand that much. As I am so young and my significant is only a few years my senior, him tagging along isn't really an option and he has his own goals, which I support fully. We already talked about what we want to do if we're still together when I leave the country.



Its great to have a plan! follow your heart and your goals and you'll be where you need to. I am loving this thread and all the happy stories people have about their hobbies and relationships.

Considering all the negative thread floating on the forums, this is definitely the proverbial breath of fresh air.
#122 Dec 07 2010 at 3:57 PM Rating: Excellent
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I agreeify, good read ZAM community. I just recently moved in with my significant other approximately six (6) months ago after dating for almost five (5) years. She knew I was a gamer, but it wasn't until we moved in together that she realized the extent of my hobby (i.e. addiction ><). She barely games, and she gets somewhat perturbed if I spend too much time gaming (not because she hates video games, but because it's extended periods of time not paying attention to her).

Relationships and gaming is a very interesting dynamic. It's important to do things together with your significant other, but it's also important to have some time apart too. Time apart doesn't have to be physically apart though. Our "apart" time happens when we are sitting on the couch less than 12" away from each other...but I'm lost in Eorzea via my laptop while she gets lost in her book / work / TV / phone with friends / etc.

It's not a bad idea to try to schedule your XIV time so your significant other can plan around your gaming time if it's not a hobby that they enjoy with you. That being said, you've got to pay attention to your partners wants and needs and ignore your "schedule" when necessary (if your scheduled XIV session falls on Valentine's Day, you better not adhere too strictly to that schedule).
#123 Dec 07 2010 at 4:17 PM Rating: Good
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My girlfriend and I both play FFXIV. Funny thing is we met through FFXI. I was in Denver at the time and she was in Chicago. We met on the game FFXI, fell in love, and now we live together in Phoenix. We have been together for 6 years and have a baby on the way.

So no relationships aren't impossible to gauge, you just need to find a healthy medium.
#124 Dec 07 2010 at 4:46 PM Rating: Excellent
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Actually, I met my current boyfriend 4 or 5 years ago in FFXI, though we only started dating after we had both quit. We've been together over a year now, and I'm as happy as can be. Gaming is still a very large part of our lives; we play both FFXIV and WoW together on a daily basis. It has never been a problem, and honestly it's a huge relief. We're long distance until I finish school, but thanks to our online gaming hobby we always have something to do together. I like knowing that he has that to entertain him and that he's completely content with it instead of being constantly bored when I can't be around. I'd be so bold as to say that gaming is a major reason why it's such an easy relationship to maintain, rather than the opposite which I know is often true of "one-sided" gaming relationships (or so I hear). He's my best friend. I feel silly when I have to answer the "How did you two meet?" question because I know my answer won't do the quality of my relationship justice (due to the stigma of it). There are never any issues with neglect or insensitivity and we always enjoy our time together, even when its just spending a day being shut-ins, gaming and watching movies. Interestingly enough, he actually posts here too. Maybe he'll have something to say about it when he gets off work.

Edited, Dec 7th 2010 5:50pm by Kaelia88
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#125 Dec 07 2010 at 5:01 PM Rating: Excellent
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Ah nice post honey, love you too...and gaming...but mostly you!


~Skye
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#126 Dec 07 2010 at 5:17 PM Rating: Good
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My wife doesn't really care for games that much and that's fine. I tend not to play games too much unless there's a good game out.

Though my gaming has dramatically dropped off, I think in part it has to do with the types and quality of games today; the time I have to allocate to them has dropped off considerably as well.

I have many, many hobbies, I write and record music, practice photography, tinker with computers, bike ride, hang out with friends, go to parties/gatherings, keep up with the house duties as well as sustain my relationship with my wife. When there's a good game out my time skews over to it, but on the whole I just like to do too many things.

I used to play Gears of War with my best friend every night, yelling over the headset and all of that, but my wife then didn't really care.

So really for us it's a non-issue, she's pretty understanding, and she doesn't really bug me unless I blow her off or put off doing something important...which happens quite a bit. :)
#127 Dec 07 2010 at 5:18 PM Rating: Good
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Great thread! Shared it with my gf and she really enjoyed it also. Hoping to tell our story when I get some free time.
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#128 Dec 07 2010 at 9:36 PM Rating: Decent
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lightacadi wrote:
Quote:


This issue may be related to "gaming" (or hardcore gaming) still not being mainstream as we may think. Forget women; even certain politicians and ministers think gamers are either immature teens, or psychopathic, violent individuals with the tendency to kill prostitutes. I won't be surprised if some females share the same sentiment just by watching the media alone.



I don't mean to sound disrespectful or condescending (but rather speaking from the perspective of someone who used to be a hardcore gamer)there is good reason why hardcore gaming is and should not be accepted by mainstream society. Lives can be ruined, and people who become too absorbed in the games become disillusioned in thinking "as long as I'm happy with it nothing else matters". I recently attended a seminar at an APMHA conference and sat through a presentation about gaming addiction, which is gaining a lot of traction in the medical community. It was one of the most illuminating two hour lectures I have ever sat through, as the speaker was a respected physician in his field, who like myself went through the pains of gaming addiction and reformed. Now, i'm not condemning any hardcore gamers out there, because I know the thrill and happiness gaming can bring to ones life (in fact 5 years ago I would probably scoff at a post like this in any forum), but specifically for those who realize that gaming is having a negative impact on their lives and wish to reform.. it's a really tough road and you have to treat it like you would any form of addiction.


I totally understand what you mean, but maybe it's bad wording on my part. I was referring "hardcore" gamers meaning those who know more games and the general world of gaming than mainstream names like Halo, Nintendo Wii, WoW, etc. But yeah when it comes to addiction to gaming, it's not healthy just like any other kind of obsession. I appreciate the story BTW.
#129 Dec 07 2010 at 11:06 PM Rating: Good
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I see what your saying Enfid, about 'hardcore' gaming being more about having some more knowledge about other not 'super triple A titles'. Things not covered in mainstream media and more so in game-specific media.

I really like the info lightacadi brought up though. Since at one point people where just 'gamers' and now you are ether a 'hardcore gamer' or a 'casual' and that casual word is used like an insult by those claiming the hardcore banner.

That sort of caused some gamer-friction with guys who I would really like. They'ed ask if I played games and I tell them "I mostly play games on the wii" then they call me a 'casual'...like by default any knowledge of games I have is moot! perhaps the guys I meet are just a little to hardcore for their own good...

Has anyone ever had friction due to your choice of games rather then the act of gaming itself? Because this always seems to be my main problem with finding a new guy.
#130 Dec 08 2010 at 2:13 AM Rating: Excellent
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SideCH wrote:
I see what your saying Enfid, about 'hardcore' gaming being more about having some more knowledge about other not 'super triple A titles'. Things not covered in mainstream media and more so in game-specific media.

I really like the info lightacadi brought up though. Since at one point people where just 'gamers' and now you are ether a 'hardcore gamer' or a 'casual' and that casual word is used like an insult by those claiming the hardcore banner.

That sort of caused some gamer-friction with guys who I would really like. They'ed ask if I played games and I tell them "I mostly play games on the wii" then they call me a 'casual'...like by default any knowledge of games I have is moot! perhaps the guys I meet are just a little to hardcore for their own good...

Has anyone ever had friction due to your choice of games rather then the act of gaming itself? Because this always seems to be my main problem with finding a new guy.


That is a good point, I've had some slight friction that guys think I can't be a "hardcore gamer" or anything simply because I am a girl (considering I played every day for hours, RL friends would denounce my habits and online didn't know I was a girl for a while, so they didn't believe it when they finally found out) and I've also had friends pick on me for playing RPGs and fighters mostly rather than shooters, what they're always playing when I go over. I'm always willing to hop on the sticks and fight them regardless of game, and I'm not horrible in shooters, I just prefer fantasy games and find the stories more interesting.

I do find a lot of wii games to be casual myself, but I'll be the first to admit there's a few awesome games I wish weren't wii exclusives and possible games etc. But even my hardcore gamer friend who plays DDR, I would not consider a hardcore "gamer" if that was all he played, I'd probably add "party gamer" or something.

They gaming community has split into multiple factions such as 360 vs. PS3 or shooter vs. rpg etc etc.... I'm very lucky my bf is into the same styles as I am but even in my friendships, we tend to work things out and they respect that I can hold my own despite rarely ever playing shooters so it's just another give and take.
#131 Dec 08 2010 at 2:32 AM Rating: Decent
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My girlfriend doesn't mind me playing at all. I even use a headseat when playing League of Legends and she likes that especially because she says one of the girls I play with sounds like a cat lol.
#132 Dec 08 2010 at 10:15 AM Rating: Decent
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The only time I have run into a gamer asking me if I knew what I was getting into was when I went to buy a game at a game stop. Granted that I am a girl so yea when he asked me I was dumbfounded lol. (I didn't know that girls were a minority at the time) Needless to say he was told I did. But what got me was that he asked when I went to pay for the game lol. What kind of sales person asks that kind of question when your trying to get it rung up? lol
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#133 Dec 08 2010 at 10:51 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kindredsouls wrote:
The only time I have run into a gamer asking me if I knew what I was getting into was when I went to buy a game at a game stop. Granted that I am a girl so yea when he asked me I was dumbfounded lol. (I didn't know that girls were a minority at the time) Needless to say he was told I did. But what got me was that he asked when I went to pay for the game lol. What kind of sales person asks that kind of question when your trying to get it rung up? lol


The kind that wants you to buy Cataclysm and join his guild instead?
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#134 Dec 08 2010 at 11:02 AM Rating: Excellent
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Mikhalia the Picky wrote:
Kindredsouls wrote:
The only time I have run into a gamer asking me if I knew what I was getting into was when I went to buy a game at a game stop. Granted that I am a girl so yea when he asked me I was dumbfounded lol. (I didn't know that girls were a minority at the time) Needless to say he was told I did. But what got me was that he asked when I went to pay for the game lol. What kind of sales person asks that kind of question when your trying to get it rung up? lol


The kind that wants you to buy Cataclysm and join his guild instead?


For some reason, that all made me think of this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR3ndy0e--k
#135 Dec 08 2010 at 11:10 AM Rating: Decent
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I will be honest, I don't like WoW lol. It just didn't fit my needs :)
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#136 Dec 08 2010 at 1:03 PM Rating: Excellent
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To put it plainly, you should not have to guess or "try" it to see if it bothers her. Why not just ask? Relationships, healthy ones, require a strong form of communication. You must be able to approach each other and speak on things that will have, has, or had an affect on your relationship.

Some people who are volatile when it comes to their partner's gaming are typically jealous, and want just your time. So it is not so much how much you play, nor is there anything you can personally do besides not game, which.. is not fair to you. Other times it is a base of control, and I have learned this for myself, which isn't really cool. If that is the case I would discuss further, and seek therapy for the person's control issues. A lot of times it is merely a misunderstanding. Explain this is your hobby, this is your entertainment, this is your personal time without being condescending. Ask hard questions. "If someone watches television for four hours how is that any different from me gaming for four hours?" Did you know the average American watches television for more than 4 hours a day? (I Don't! But I game on average for four hours a day) How is that any different?


So ask to determine what is the best path for you. Discussion is key, and let your partner know that you really enjoy gaming and that does not get in the way of how important he or she is to you. The health of your relationship is determined largely by the health of your ability to communicate to him or her.
#137 Dec 08 2010 at 1:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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haife wrote:
Explain this is your hobby, this is your entertainment, this is your personal time without being condescending. Ask hard questions. "If someone watches television for four hours how is that any different from me gaming for four hours?" Did you know the average American watches television for more than 4 hours a day? (I Don't! But I game on average for four hours a day) How is that any different?


Devil's advocate: The common reply to this question is usually something like "Because watching TV is normal" or "Because only kids play video games".

A couple tidbits, courtesy of http://www.theesa.com/facts/index.asp

1. U.S. computer and video game software sales generated $10.5 billion in 2009.
2. Sixty-seven percent of American households play computer or video games.
3. The average game player is 34 years old and has been playing games for 12 years.
4. The average age of the most frequent game purchaser is 40 years old.
5. Forty percent of all game players are women. In fact, women over the age of 18 represent a significantly greater portion of the game-playing population (33 percent) than boys age 17 or younger (20 percent).
6. In 2010, 26 percent of Americans over the age of 50 play video games, an increase from nine percent in 1999.
7. Forty-two percent of heads of households play games on a wireless device, such as a cell phone or PDA, up from 20 percent in 2002.
8. Eighty-two percent of all games sold in 2009 were rated "E" for Everyone, "T" for Teen, or "E10+" for Everyone 10+. For more information on game ratings, please see www.esrb.org.
9. Parents who have children under 18 with a gaming console in the home are present when games are purchased or rented 93 percent of the time.
10. Sixty-four percent of parents believe games are a positive part of their children’s lives.
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#138 Dec 08 2010 at 3:05 PM Rating: Good
Mikhalia,
In all the time it takes to put all these here post you put up, If we could somehow channel that energy into playing ffxiv lol
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#139 Dec 08 2010 at 5:17 PM Rating: Excellent
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The One and Only FinalFanXIV wrote:
Mikhalia,
In all the time it takes to put all these here post you put up, If we could somehow channel that energy into playing ffxiv lol


Hahahaha man if only the PS3 release were here, I'd be doing that instead of the essays due for my final x.x

College man - non liberal studies is so much easier for the pure reason of there being less essays. I will die while writing an essay. It is my life.
#140 Dec 08 2010 at 5:23 PM Rating: Good
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finalfan.... I have to disagree with your warrior of light party... mine was always redmage, blackmage, fighter, and whitemage
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When it comes to sitting around not doing anything for long periods of time, only being active for short windows, and marginal changes and sidegrades I'd say FFXI players were the perfect choice for politicians.


#141 Dec 08 2010 at 5:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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The One and Only FinalFanXIV wrote:
Mikhalia,
In all the time it takes to put all these here post you put up, If we could somehow channel that energy into playing ffxiv lol


You so silly.
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#142 Dec 08 2010 at 5:40 PM Rating: Excellent
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Olorinus the Vile wrote:
finalfan.... I have to disagree with your warrior of light party... mine was always redmage, blackmage, fighter, and whitemage


8-bit theater says you are wrong. :P
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#143 Dec 08 2010 at 8:18 PM Rating: Good
This is an interesting thread.

I had no idea that there were so many relationships among gamers. I've dated a lot of girls and haven't met a single one that was tolerant of my habit and have often wondered how others deal with it. I play when she's asleep 10p-2a or when she's out. She gets offeneded when I play for long stretches when she's around, but I really can't blame her. Headset w/mic is totally out of the question, although I use it as a courtesy so she doesn't have to listen to the sound + effects.

I work 70+ hrs/wk and am typically traveling on the road for 2-3 nights/wk, so I can't really come home and retrreat to my game world right away (/sigh). And, as much as it would seem ideal if she liked to play video games, I'm okay with her not having interest b/c it forces me to do other things (which is good too, /quitter). That said, I've often wondered what it would be like and I just assume that most women in my age bracked 30+ don't play. Am I reasonably right? I just assumed most women playing this game (and others) are in their 20s. When I was a kid, parents were still telling me/us that tv rotted your brain and that video games were anti-social, so...

On a related note, did you guys see this yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF6XBmX6qig

It's SO EPIC.
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#144 Dec 08 2010 at 9:08 PM Rating: Excellent
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NiklausRyszard wrote:

On a related note, did you guys see this yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF6XBmX6qig

It's SO EPIC.


Haha great vid man. I don't think you're right about the age range. I just reached my 20s and played XI all through my teens. Most of the other women I ran into were of various ages from my age to their 40s and a few even older. My mom played for a while and I've had a lot of women afk to take care of their kids or whatnot so maybe most are in their 20s but there's always outliers.

I expect I'll be gaming all my life, maybe not MMOs depending on how XIV goes. But there's definitely those of us out there. I also grew up being told to play outside. I honestly don't like watching TV and my gaming habits kind of spawned in middle school. My parents fully support it because they know I take care of my responsibilities.
#145 Dec 08 2010 at 11:19 PM Rating: Excellent
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I'm an eclectic gamer. There are times when I am more hardcore, and can grind for twenty hours straight, and there are times that I only pick up the keyboard to check my mail and do research. My previous relationships have followed certain patterns with regards to my gaming...

Brief relationships, those of three months or less, the impact was negligible. If it was good, but had to end (one of us had to move), then bittersweet partings aside, gaming was at the very least tolerated. If the relationship was primed to self-destruct, gaming might have been a point of contention- but it was a symptom rather than the cause.

Long term, I only have one experience to relate. In college, I met a nice young lady who loved books and writing as much as I did. I was on gaming hiatus (my hardware was at home, along with all my games). A year into the relationship, I picked gaming back up. It caused friction for a short time, which I called to a head when I tried to explain my interest to her, and possibly get her to understand it by seeing it firsthand (actually playing a game herself). She flat-out refused to even consider it, and did not want to try and understand. We parted for other reasons than gaming, after about four years.

My father is a gamer, and has been since his college days (back then, it was tabletop D&D- today, it's RPG's and strategy sims). My parents occasionally still fight over his gaming. It is a blind spot for her- she cannot and will not try to understand any part of it.

I think, for most of us, when we have a partner who accepts us as we are then we are most happy. Whether they enjoy gaming or not, if we're happy and not harming ourselves (or neglecting important things, like our relationship ;p ) then it's good. If they like everything about us *except* for this one specific part that they *really* want to change... Then we're hosed. Sorry for the text-wall, to all of you whose eyes are bleeding now.
#146 Dec 08 2010 at 11:50 PM Rating: Good
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Very nice Pigiron! very true that in a relationship things can go sour if the other doesn't like a specific part about you and wants that part to go away. I really wonder why gaming is by far one of the most acceptable things to be vocal about not liking.

Would ANYONE ever accept it if their partner told them "I hate that you read classical literature!" or "you play the guitar? only kids do that...you should really stop" it just wouldn't be right. Though its defiantly not as bad as say...them saying "I don't like your hair" or "do you think you should put on some make up?". It just seems like games are acceptable to bad mouth by those who don't like them.
#147 Dec 09 2010 at 4:55 AM Rating: Excellent
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My gf lives with me and really doesnt care what i do. Headphones or not. If i end up playing for hours she sits and watches some anime or even reads or studies. i jump off the game in a second if she asks me to do something with me because she was generous enough to allow me to play without nagging ear off. I try to balance it so she stays happy, which is more important than a video game.

I did however play too much and neglect her when i first started gaming. I stopped when i found her crying saying she felt alone... Dont choose games over your loved ones, they have feelings which need to be cherished. From then on i would play but i would also ask if she wanted to do something together. Shes alot happier now :)
#148 Dec 09 2010 at 5:06 AM Rating: Good
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Wloire wrote:
My girlfriend haaaaates it. Especially because when I decide to play I put hours into it. She'll come floating into the room doing that heavy handed sigh thing women do. I've become accustomed to ignoring it though.

Haha! Same here! When I play I play for hours at a time. She says "you can play your game if you want..." but what she doesnt add is the "... for a little while and after that ill get *************

Edited, Dec 9th 2010 6:08am by IzanagaAsura
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#149 Dec 09 2010 at 9:59 AM Rating: Excellent
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SideCH wrote:

Would ANYONE ever accept it if their partner told them "I hate that you read classical literature!" or "you play the guitar? only kids do that...you should really stop" it just wouldn't be right. Though its defiantly not as bad as say...them saying "I don't like your hair" or "do you think you should put on some make up?". It just seems like games are acceptable to bad mouth by those who don't like them.


Actually yeah. My cousin's wife doesn't let him play golf or bass anymore, two things he LOVED. He kinda lived vicariously through me for a while be she hates our family too and limits the time he can spend with us. I think he's only with her still because it was after she popped out their now 4 year old kid that she went psycho. She's raising the kid to be just as nuts.

BUT! Her son from a previous marriage is like 16 and a fat frumpy not so smart kid who does nothing but play video games. Worse than I did at my worst as in he'll non stop eat chips at his computer or whatever he's doing and NOT take the time to shower. His grades suffer, he doesn't help with anything. My cousin complains about him constantly. The 4 year old is more helpful and productive than he is. But the mother, thinks nothing of it and spoils the brat.

Obviously I'm biased against this kid and his materialistic b****y mom (she kinda ruined my favorite cousin's life), but it's because of the way he acts. He's the type that gives gamers a bad name with the obesity and irresponsibility. My cousin would ask me to talk to him and try to get him to be more responsible or realize he won't be able to do sh*t if he doesn't have at least a HS education, but my cousin loves me too much to subject me to having to interact with the kid.

Sorry for the rant post. B**** ****** me off.

I shouldn't curse so much >.< I have no class

Edited, Dec 9th 2010 2:06pm by Solaine
#150 Dec 09 2010 at 10:49 AM Rating: Good
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I wish I had gotten into this thread at the start!

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who is not a gamer. She doesn't really like gaming, but she also doesn't hate gaming. She plays Carcassone with me on Xbox. She has a few games on her iPhone that she plays. But "real" video games like FFXIV she has no interest in.

But that said, she's a painter. I've tried painting with her a few times, and I just don't enjoy it. I'm never going to tell her that her painting is a waste of time or worthless. It's something she loves to do. Just the same, though she will probably never sit next to me on the couch for some co-op, she knows it's a hobby I enjoy.

We do have lots of other things in common though, our musical tastes, affinity for words games, love of dive bars, etc.

In the end, if you asked me "Does gaming help/hurt your relationship?" I would actually probably say it hurts it, just because I want to be gaming most of the time, but that's on me to balance my other life responsibilities.
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FFXIV: Lancer, Fisher, Culinarian
FFXI: DRK 55, WAR 30, THF 27, DRG 27 (all retired)
WoW: Hunter 70, Warrior 29, Druid 26, Warlock 22, Shaman 19 (all retired)
EQII: Shadowknight 36 (retired)
#151 Dec 09 2010 at 4:21 PM Rating: Good
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Wow Solaine! your cousin's wife sounds just like my brothers wife! that soul stealing fun destroying harpy b-.

Its a whole other discussion on those people who allow their partner to just take everything they love out of their life, not just video games.

Is compromise necessary in a relationship? to a degree sure but not to the point where you have to lose a whole part of something you like is just to much!

(another series in SideCH's bad relationships involving gaming...didn't realize I had so many! its SO Pitiful!)
I dated a guy who didn't play games at all. I found out he use to play Pokemon on the original game boy so with poking and prodding I got him to get a DS and Pokemon D&P on it. Now at the time I would call that a win. He now owned a DS and he had a game he enjoyed we could play together. This was going to bring us closer together!...maybe.

So turns out he wanted to do everything in the game alone. No trading. No multiplayer mini games. No help. All of it alone. Who plays pokemon alone!? Well turns out he does. This little fact drove me insane.

But ok, thats fine, other games on the DS that are not pokemon that we can play together. I bought us both Final Fantasy crystal Chronicles. And for those who haven't played it, it can be alot like a mini MMO when play it with other people. He wouldn't touch it. Not even try it once. He only wanted to play pokemon and play it alone, and no other game interested him in the slightest.

Now...had I been older and wiser I probably would have realize we had a compromise with both our game playing since he too was now playing a game and, given time, might want to try something else. But I was impatient and just ended up aggravating things, which ended in us breaking up. Well...live and learn right? wew...sorry for the long story.
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