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[Humor] Something unexpected...Follow

#1 Dec 18 2010 at 9:53 PM Rating: Excellent
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As the title said, this is meant to poke some fun. Not be serious.

A man walks into a busy bar and looks around. The customers are happily drinking away and smoking. He makes his way to the counter where the barkeep is wiping away some glasses while watching some sports on TV.

Barkeep: 'Ello Marv, what'll it be?
Marv: Scotch on the rocks, Joe.
Joe: Ayup, comin' right up.
Marv: I hear the Megoliths are havin' some trouble this year.
Joe: Oh? What kind o' trouble?
Marv: The usual, I guess. Heard it from Tom.
Joe: What's usual for them then?
Marv: I don't know, I didn't ask. I didn't exactly expect an inqusition on the...

NO ONE EXPECTS THE TANAKA INQUISITION!!!

The doors fly open as 3 Japanese men dressed in flaming red suits and capes with matching Spanish hats and obviously fake mustaches burst into the room, over-sized gold crosses about their necks flailing wildly. The bar falls silent. Patrons' eyes
and mouths open wide as if not to know whether to be in shock or utter horror.

Tanaka: Our chief weapon is surprise... and fear. Our two weapons are surprise and fear... and randomness. Our chief weapons are surprise, fear and ruthless randomness... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless randomness... and an almost fanatical desire to kill RMT... Our FOUR... no AMONGST our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... Oh forget it! CARDINAL!

Sundi: That's sage, sir.

Tanaka: I SAID CARDINAL! READ THE CHARGES!

Sundi: You are hereby charged with being an evil, economy sucking, gold selling, blood sucking, puppy killing, kitty bathing, candy stealing RMT. How do you plead?

Joe: Uh... Innocent?

Tanaka: Uweeheeeheeheeeheeehee

[KEFKA-LIKE LAUGHTER]

Sundi: We'll soon change your mind about that.

[POWER RANGER-LIKE ACTING]

Tanaka: Fear surprise and ruthless randomness! Cardinal! Bring in the minigame!

[Scene fades out with diabolical laughter and screaming patrons.]

A man walks into a bar. Half the patrons eyes are closed as they are fumbling with their glasses trying to give the person sitting across from them a drink of their drink.

Patron1: You're getting farther from the mark, **** it!
Patron2: Ugh! My arm's getting tired!
Patron1: You're getting closer to the mark now! Almost there!
Patron2: AAAAAGH I can't hold it any longer!

The drink spills down the first patron's front.

Man: 'Ello, Joe. What's uh.... what's happened to the bar?

KABOOOOOOM

Man: Good god, man! What's happened?
Joe: Oh, nothin' ta worry about. I just failed me action there.
Man: I thought a bloody bomb went off. Why are you making drinks with a skillet?
Joe: New system, ya see.

CRAAAAAACKLE CRACK BZZZZZZT

Man: WHERE THE ****'D THAT LIGHTNING COME FROM?!
Joe: Destabilized element. Don't ye worry, the drink'll turn out fine.
Man: I'm not sure it's the drink I should be worried about.
Joe: There ya go. See? Turned out fine.
Man: I'd almost expect the cr....

NO ONE EXPECTS THE TANAKA INQUISITION!

The doors fly open as 3 Japanese men dressed in flaming red suits and capes with matching Spanish hats and obviously fake mustaches burst into the room, over-sized gold crosses about their necks flailing wildly. The bar falls silent. Patrons' eyes
and mouths open wide as if not to know whether to be in shock or utter horror.

Man: I wasn't going to say...

Tanaka: Our chief weapon is surprise... and fear. Our two weapons are surprise and fear... and randomness. Our chief weapons are surprise, fear and ruthless randomness... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless randomness... and an almost fanatical desire to kill RMT... Our FOUR... no AMONGST our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... Oh forget it! CARDINAL!

Wada: Those who expect the Tanaka Inquisition must suffer the consequences.

Tanaka: PREPARE THE BAN HAMMER!

Wada reaches into his robes and pulls out a giant yellow hammer with a happy face stamped on the striking face. Then, he ceremoniously smashes it down upon the man in thunderous fashion. The man disappears.

Tanaka: Now, to further insure that no more RMT plague our beloved game, I shall prepare another task. CARDINAL WADA, PREPARE THE MARKET WARDS.

Sundi and Wada look at each other in fear and shock as if to ask one another if he truly meant it. The screen fades to black.

A man walks into the bar the next day...

Man: 'Ello, Joe. Here ta get spot on the way....

CYRSTALSELLERXXX: ....
Imahot kittygirl: ....
Supercute Lolifell: ....
BUYBUYBUBYUYBUYBUY: ....
XXSephorothsStuffXXX: ....
MELOVEYOULONGTIME: ....
WOWROXORZLOL: ....
IDONTSELLDRIKSLOL: ....
LEATHERCRAP: ....
WEAPONSFORU: ....
JUNKSELLER: ....

screen fades, a man's anguished scream can be heard before it finally falls silent...

edit: some spelling fixes.

Edited, Dec 19th 2010 5:59am by shinichoco
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行く河の流れは絶えずしてしかも元の水にあらず。よどみに浮かぶ泡沫はかつ消えかつ結びて久しくとどまりたる例なし世の中にある人と住みかも全くのごとき。 -方丈記
#2 Dec 18 2010 at 11:36 PM Rating: Decent
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A wonderful and humorous post. I read the entire thing in Monty-Python voice style, when my sides weren't splitting from laughter that is.

And now for something completely different...
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#3 Dec 18 2010 at 11:47 PM Rating: Default
35 posts
omg cardinal #1 post that has all elements of reading features

black person approves



Edited, Dec 19th 2010 12:51am by Creepygiggles
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#4 Dec 18 2010 at 11:51 PM Rating: Good
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Wow. Funny stuff. I want some of what you are on, but funny stuff :)

-Teeg
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#5 Dec 19 2010 at 12:00 AM Rating: Excellent
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437 posts
Glad you enjoyed.

Made some spelling and line break fixes.
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行く河の流れは絶えずしてしかも元の水にあらず。よどみに浮かぶ泡沫はかつ消えかつ結びて久しくとどまりたる例なし世の中にある人と住みかも全くのごとき。 -方丈記
#6 Dec 19 2010 at 12:00 AM Rating: Good
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I like your writing style it's very....visual......
#7 Dec 19 2010 at 12:05 AM Rating: Decent
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As someone who is currently enjoying the game in moderate doses, I find this hilarious.

"It's funny because its true." Comes to mind.

But so does "It's sad because it's true."
#8 Dec 19 2010 at 12:09 AM Rating: Good
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437 posts
I did have another idea to bring up some of the dead horse issues of FFXIV to the format of the dead parrot sketch too >.>;
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行く河の流れは絶えずしてしかも元の水にあらず。よどみに浮かぶ泡沫はかつ消えかつ結びて久しくとどまりたる例なし世の中にある人と住みかも全くのごとき。 -方丈記
#9 Dec 19 2010 at 2:23 AM Rating: Decent
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Good read. Rate up. :D

One thing, though. I'm not sure if you know about Sundi's name. I don't think "Sage" is a title (wise man) of his. I think Sage is literally his first name. The Japanese name Sage would be pronounced "sah geh."

But maybe you already knew that and just made a pun out of it. :D
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#10 Dec 19 2010 at 7:34 AM Rating: Good
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I'm aware of that possibility, though I am not sure of the facts. Either way, it was meant as a pun.

Edited, Dec 19th 2010 1:35pm by shinichoco
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行く河の流れは絶えずしてしかも元の水にあらず。よどみに浮かぶ泡沫はかつ消えかつ結びて久しくとどまりたる例なし世の中にある人と住みかも全くのごとき。 -方丈記
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